As of yesterday, I have officially been working with my current job for one year. One long, trying year. As I've been reflecting on this time, I'm realizing how much it's changed me and how much I've learned. I'm also realizing how accurate my college professors were when they talked about the need to take care of yourself so you don't get "burned-out". This is a widely known term in the social service profession... that and "turnover rate" are two dreaded phrases used to reinforce the importance of "self-care". "Burned-out" is essentially getting to a point in your job where you literally can't stomach the thought of dealing with one more case, one more out-of-control parent, or one more obnoxious child. Burn-out can happen pretty quickly if you're not careful. "Turnover rate" is related to the amount of time it takes for workers to get to this "burn-out" and decide they need to leave their current occupation for something different, meaning that the organization then has to replace that person... Turnover rates in this profession average about six months. There's also this thing called the "one year curse". After you've been working at this type of job for one year, it's pretty typical that you start (if you haven't already) to lose hope, your heart hardens a bit, and you begin to lose the drive and compassion you had for this work. Essentially, it's time for a break.
Now, smart social workers would have taken a break in the midst of their first year, preventing some of the negative side effects of the year. However, most social workers graduate from college with this notion that they are superheroes and are going to save the world and don't need any kind of vacation.
"My clients need me, I can't take time off."
"When this one case closes, I'll take a break."
"When this one case closes, everything will settle down."
"I don't have anywhere to go, so I might as well just work."
"Oh, I'm fine. I don't need a break."
I've personally used all of these. I thought I was strong enough to just push through the stress and frustrations and that if I just endured a bit longer, everything would get better eventually. I wanted to prove my professors wrong. I wanted to prove my co-workers wrong. I wanted to prove to myself that I was superwoman.
Then something happened that completely broke me down and forced me to reevaluate my "superpowers." Basically, I had all kinds of faith and hope in a situation that started out completely under control, but suddenly escalated into something no one expected. These things happen CONSTANTLY in this profession... it's something you have to get used to pretty quickly. My friend Allison, who is much better with words than I am, wrote about a similar situation about a month ago. I would encourage you to read her story here, as she really captures the emotion better than I do. Anyways, I let myself get too emotionally involved in this particular case and the decision that was made struck me to the core. Almost immediately, walls were built, defenses went up, and my heart grew cold. I completely shut down my emotions so I didn't have to deal with how I really felt about the situation. My compassion was gone. I was burned-out.
That was about a month ago. Since then, I've been struggling to get by in the social work world. I'm still lacking compassion, have little faith in what I'm doing, and am fighting the urge to look for other jobs daily. I have a week of vacation time scheduled, but not for awhile. I'm hoping that after that week of (hopefully) doing absolutely nothing, I'll feel refreshed and ready to conquer the world again. However, I'm also trying to be realistic.
I know these things happen. I get it. I did not choose an "easy" job. I don't know how many times I've considered running back to Build-A-Bear or Subway. Seriously. However, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I know that even in the midst of this disheartening season, God is working through me. Even though I'm having to push myself beyond what I feel capable of, which is both physically and mentally exhausting, God shows me new mercies daily and encourages me to show that same compassion and grace. Some days, this seems totally unachievable. It's always in those days that God shines through.
A couple weeks ago, a few kids were having a conversation in the backseat of my car. This happened to be one of those days where I was just struggling. One of the kids asked his brother what he wanted to be when he grew up. He responded with a police officer. The other boy then said he would like to be on border patrol to stop people from Mexico from coming into the US with drugs (this is rather significant because both of their parents are drug addicts). The girl then asked me what my "official" job title was. I told her I was a social worker and she said she wanted to be that too. I asked why and she said because she wanted to save lives. I laughed and quickly explained that I did not "save" lives. Without missing a beat, she said, "Well, you saved mine."
Oh... hey, God.
The kids deserve better than this. With as much as they've been through, they don't need someone who is cold and heartless and just numb to the world. They need someone to fight for them, because they are not capable of doing it themselves. I don't care how many times they argue and scream at each other in the back seat or how often they lie about who hit who... these kids need someone in their lives who is going to be a constant encouragement. Someone who is going to love them regardless of what they do. Someone who lifts them up daily and comforts them when they just can't hold it together anymore. I am capable of being that person. With God's grace, I CAN conquer this slump. I can be that person the kids need me to be.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
I know there's a reason God has me in this place. I see it daily. In the kids I hang out with, in the parents who demonstrate even the slightest bit of improvement each week, and in my fellow coworkers, who go through the exact same things I'm going through. Praise God for community and that we all have this common bond and can relate to each other's feelings and emotions without judgment. Together, we can get through these seasons.
I can't lose heart. I will beat the "One Year Curse". Me and God... we got this.
