Undeserving.

A few days ago, I was rear ended while transporting three children to a visit with a parent. While the actual accident itself is kind of a blur, I definitely remember the kids reactions and their strength and bravery throughout the whole process. Although they were terrified and upset, their main worries were all about each other and me and my car. They definitely had their fears and pain, but the majority of the questions they asked while in the ambulance were regarding my own well-being. These are such young kids but they've been through so much in their lives and are so used to taking care of everyone else but themselves. I had to continually ask these kids to focus on themselves and how they were feeling rather than how I was feeling. I showed no outward emotion as we travelled to the hospital, but I am pretty positive I was a mess on the inside.

Two of the kids were strapped down on stretchers because of the severity of the accident and their pain complaints. The officers kept telling me that the kids were most likely in shock and that after travelling a few minutes to the hospital, they would probably start screaming. I tried emotionally preparing myself for this while also having to make numerous phone calls. The youngest, a six-year-old boy, was on a stretcher right next to me and I held his hand the entire trip. I honestly don't know who was more comforted by that, me or him. The kids gradually began talking more throughout the trip, and by the time we got to the emergency room, they were much more calm and collected. I'm glad someone was.

We all had to be checked out in the exam room, which was actually a pretty smooth process. Within a couple hours we were all waiting for discharge paperwork. The kids were all fine and had been given stickers and stuffed animals, so they were good to go. I knew I wasn't with it when we were all discharged from the hospital, but I also felt like I needed to this strong, brave person like my kids had been. Thankfully, my own parents saw through that and realized I was not in any position to drive myself home or be alone that night. My mom took me home and I just kinda floated around the house, eating dinner and watching TV. I eventually took my stuff up to my room and sat at my computer desk, finally giving myself the chance to think about what had happened. For the first time all day I started taking my own advice and considering my own well-being instead of the kids'. I looked at the scratch on my neck (which is totally not a big deal at all), thought back to the images of looking in my rearview mirror and realizing the guy behind me was not slowing down, but being completely powerless in the situation, and accepting the fact that I may actually have to begin the whole car shopping process again. I had a nice little breakdown, but then got back up and continued on about my night.

The next day, I felt like I was okay. I talked to the kids on the phone in the morning and they all reassured me that they were fine. One of the boys has a cut under his nose and the girl has a bump on the back of her head. The other boy was completely unharmed. I started getting the calls from insurance companies and the officers at the scene, wanting to finish all their reports. I gave my statement numerous times and answered ridiculous numbers of questions. I got a call from the body shop saying my car had arrived and that I could go get all my stuff out of it. My mom and I met my dad at the shop and went and looked at the car together. When we first arrived, my insurance adjuster was already there. He hadn't gotten a chance to really look at it yet, but he said from what he did see, the car was a total loss. I had kind of already figured that, but didn't fully grasp what he was saying until we went out to the car.

Hello, World.

The other guy was nice enough to leave the decal from his car...

This is what you see from the outside... back window shattered, back end completely smashed in, everything in the trunk ruined... and then there's the inside:

It's as if nothing ever happened. The backseat and front seats are perfect. The entire back window was gone, but there was virtually no glass in the back seat. All the stuff I had in the trunk, everything that was right up against the back seat was smashed and unusable, but the seats themselves were untouched.

Hello, God.

As the guys from the body shop looked at it and joked about giving me credit for being upright and walking and then also joking about whether I got hit by an SUV or a semi, I finally realized that something WAY bigger than than this whole situation had definitely intervened. I had been praising God right after the accident and at the hospital and all night, thanking Him for what could have been a much worse situation... but standing there next to the car and actually seeing the damage... I was humbled. I was in shock and awe all over again. I had images in my head of God literally holding on to these kids during the accident... of Him placing Himself in between the SUV and the backseat, catching all the glass before it hit the kids. Oh, how He loves...

After we left the body shop, I believe I was still in shock. I went about my day, just going through the motions. That night, we had something called Night of Worship at the church. This is something I had looked forward to all week. I hadn't told many people about the accident and wasn't really sure how I was going to bring it up. Some people noticed the scratch on my neck and others noticed that I wasn't driving my car. I explained the situation, showed the pictures, and saw as others were amazed as well.

Once NOW began, I tried focusing my thoughts on God and praising Him for this miracle. As we sang, I just had an overwhelming feeling of being "grounded." God does this to me a lot... He knows I need it. I sometimes get so wrapped up in the world and not into God. I recognized that God had done great things in this accident, but did not full understand... God made sure I knew before I left that church. Through the worship and the ministry time, I realized how undeserving I was of God's grace. I mean, none of us are deserving of what God so generously gives, but I easily could have died in the accident. There are so many things that could have gone terribly wrong. I then began to wonder why God decided to save me... what have I done that God decided He wanted to keep me around? Again, I was humbled. If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. I really can't even describe God's encounter last night at the church. However, He brought me back down to where I needed to be. For the first time since the accident, I was able to feel things... emotions, pain... I was no longer on this high horse of "I'm so special because I made it through this accident." God is special. God brought me through this accident. It had nothing to do with me. I was powerless in the whole situation. I can't take any credit for ANYTHING that was done that day. All glory and honor goes to God, the only One who is deserving of such things.

Hold On To Me...

This song is my prayer right now... 

So many things are going on in my life: lots of transitions, people coming in and out, and overwhelming emotions that are absolutely draining. Thank God for His grace. My heart just hurts... there's no better way to explain that. God has been rocking my world lately in so many good ways and I know I'm coming under attack because of it. I'm considering/thinking things that I never have before. I need God's strength to get through this. He's been so faithful and I know He won't give me more than I can handle... I just feel so broken. This is not a common thing for me. I'm a strong person generally... God likes to remind me that I need him and I'm grateful for that, but I hate feeling this sad for reasons that don't typically bring me down. 

When I call on the Holy Spirit, God typically gives me a sense of being held. Like, literally if I feel like my heart is in a million pieces, the Holy Spirit comes and holds it together. I have this feeling of wholeness that is unlike any other. It's my "rest" when I'm feeling weary and burdened (Matthew 11:28). 

Like the song says, my faith is tired tonight. I'm spiritually and emotionally drained. Essentially, I've got a busted heart. Thankfully, God will meet me where I am and guide me through this. I'll surrender tonight. 

"I"m screaming out your name, 

don't let me fall on my face. 

I've got a busted heart, 

I'm in need of a change; 

Yeah, I'm desperate for grace."

That is my plan for the night. I know God will hold on to me and not let me lose my way. No matter how many times I break His heart, He'll never let me go. Praise Him. 

Hello, World.

Every time I watch this video, I have the same response: Hello, World. Imagine that! Seriously, though... it completely brings me back to Earth. Sometimes I like to live in my own little world for awhile. I don't usually have emotions in my world. It's just easier that way. Then, I hear this song and all the emotions come running back. I'm hit with these overwhelming feelings of wanting to change the world... then, I run and hide again once the song is over. I don't want to feel the emotions of this world. It's sad and depressing. Thankfully, God is good. He understands my feelings, yet challenges me every day to go beyond my comfort zone to serve Him. He's never given me more than I can handle.

"Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'm never gonna heal." In my line of work, it's easy to become cold and jaded to what's happening in the world. Instead of having compassion for people, it's so easy to be critical and judgmental. With the people I see on a daily basis, it's sometimes hard to see the progress and potential in their situations. As much as I want to strangle these parents and scream at them for what they've put their kids through... I know it's not my place. All I can do is try and empower them to make the changes for themselves.

"I see a light, a little hope in a little girl." It's absolutely amazing to see the children that these parents produce. I've had angels and I've had others... however, each one is so wonderful and unique. Even my worst behaved children have been some of the sweetest, most loving kids. I see the pain and tragedy they have to constantly endure. Most grown adults would run and hide from some of the things my kids have to deal with. Despite everything they've been through, they have so much love and faith that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes they need a punching bag, sometimes they need a hug... my favorite part of the job is being able to be whatever they need me to be. God gave me a gift of patience with these children that I certainly don't have with most people.

"Well the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here; just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees... Hello, World." I don't see how someone can be a social worker and not have faith in God. Without Him, this job would be hell. It's so comforting to know at the end of the day, no matter how horrible it may have been, God is here. God is in control and He is ultimately the one taking care of my kids. Although I often feel personally responsible for their well-being, I know my God can provide more than I will ever be able to for these children. How amazing is that? So many times, I just want to hold them and cry with them... but I know God has it under control and that He will work all things for their good. Although I may not be with the kids long enough to see it, I know He will put others in their lives who will lift them up and care for them as much as I do.

God has given me a calling and a purpose in life: to help those who cannot help themselves. This comes in many forms, but most often it's found in these children. They are literally incapable of standing up for themselves or even knowing what's in their best interest. Thankfully, God knows what's best for them and puts people in their lives who will advocate for that. I'm so humbled that God has allowed me to be one of those people. God also gives me the strength and wisdom to endure these situations on a daily basis and for that, I'm eternally grateful.